Your Gift to Me
Today is October 2nd, 2013. My 34th year on this earth. As surprised as I am that I am the oldest I have ever been, I am thankful for what the years bring me, wisdom. Those of you that know me well may question that, but when I am being mature, there is truth in it.
When I was growing up and got old enough to realize my decisions, how I looked and how I did or did not do something was reflected on me, I started to make excuses. If someone would stop by my house and I was standing amongst dust bunnies, a table full of messy crafty stuff and clean laundry that had been sitting so long it would need to be washed again because the wrinkles would never come out now, I would make excuses. If I made a dessert or meal for someone and I didn't think it was perfect, I made excuses. If I didn't have makeup on or my hair done if I ran into you at the store, I made excuses. You get the idea.
I didn't want people to think badly of me, like I didn't have it all together. In my mind or deep down in my heart I truly desired to be that organized person. I wanted my house picked up at all times just in the off chance someone stopped in. I wanted to be able to offer a cup of tea and fresh baked brownies. If I was anything less than that, I made excuses.
When Kendal and I started counseling back in 2010 this was one of my issues I needed to work on. It wasn't necessarily the excuses part, but just being able to let go of everything that wasn't important. The day to day chores needed to get done, but if someone came over while I was in the midst of it, or literally in the midst of it (laying on the couch amongst the pile of clothes watching Oprah) I needed to be okay with NOT hiding on the floor of my house with the deadbolt locked and telling my toddler to 'be quiet, we don't want them to hear us!'
Just kidding, I never did that...or did I?
I practiced leaving a basket of laundry out when I knew in advance that our vet was coming over. I was taking small steps in becoming "okay" with myself. The self that is a complete mess.
Fast forward 3 years. I just can't seem to keep a tidy home, or office, or basement or garage...shall I go on? But here's the big difference, I don't care as much. Hmmm, maybe I should rephrase that. It isn't that I don't care as much, it's that, I can let it go when it comes to other people seeing me in my mess.
It's just who I am and I shouldn't make excuses for who I am. I have to focus on the things I do well, not on all my mistakes or the things that I can't or don't do. If you come to my house today, if I make you a meal, if you see all the weeds that I just can't keep up with, I have to put it aside and focus on the fact that I am glad you are here.
It's not that the excuses or realizations of me being a mess are whirling in my head, but I thoughtfully move past them, or at least try to, so I can focus on You. I'm certainly not perfect at it, at all.
So here is what I recognize about myself because of how you present yourself to me. It's a red flag that you are insecure when you make excuses. I don't care, I really don't care. It's not that I don't care about you, it's that I don't care about what your exterior looks like because I ultimately see your heart and that's what I care about. Yes, you are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I see that with or without makeup, with or without your hair done, with or without the 'right' outfit on. Your identity isn't based on all that. If you are a lover of Jesus, yours and my identity is anchored in the fact that you and I are children of His. We're all good. It doesn't matter that I have a lot of weight to loose or that I have acne at 34. It doesn't matter that I have a trail through my office and little children that come to visit question why it is so dirty. The truth is, I'm okay, just as I am, mess and all.
If I come to your house, I don't care if it's dirty. I don't care what you have or have not done all day when it comes to cleaning or just being productive in general. Maybe I should clarify. I care when you feel down or happy because you did or did not accomplish something, but don't make excuses on my behalf. I enjoy you because of you.
So here is your gift to me, at the beginning of my 34th year. When you and I meet up whether you come here, I see you in a store, I come to your house or we gather at church, please don't make excuses of what you look like or how your decorations didn't turn out for the shower, or how your breakfast dishes from yesterday still aren't done...It doesn't bother me. I like YOU.
I am going to continue to be intentional about not making excuses as well. Keep me accountable would ya? Will you join me in this next step of growing up? You don't have to do it with everyone you come across, but will you with me?
When I was growing up and got old enough to realize my decisions, how I looked and how I did or did not do something was reflected on me, I started to make excuses. If someone would stop by my house and I was standing amongst dust bunnies, a table full of messy crafty stuff and clean laundry that had been sitting so long it would need to be washed again because the wrinkles would never come out now, I would make excuses. If I made a dessert or meal for someone and I didn't think it was perfect, I made excuses. If I didn't have makeup on or my hair done if I ran into you at the store, I made excuses. You get the idea.
I didn't want people to think badly of me, like I didn't have it all together. In my mind or deep down in my heart I truly desired to be that organized person. I wanted my house picked up at all times just in the off chance someone stopped in. I wanted to be able to offer a cup of tea and fresh baked brownies. If I was anything less than that, I made excuses.
When Kendal and I started counseling back in 2010 this was one of my issues I needed to work on. It wasn't necessarily the excuses part, but just being able to let go of everything that wasn't important. The day to day chores needed to get done, but if someone came over while I was in the midst of it, or literally in the midst of it (laying on the couch amongst the pile of clothes watching Oprah) I needed to be okay with NOT hiding on the floor of my house with the deadbolt locked and telling my toddler to 'be quiet, we don't want them to hear us!'
Just kidding, I never did that...or did I?
I practiced leaving a basket of laundry out when I knew in advance that our vet was coming over. I was taking small steps in becoming "okay" with myself. The self that is a complete mess.
Fast forward 3 years. I just can't seem to keep a tidy home, or office, or basement or garage...shall I go on? But here's the big difference, I don't care as much. Hmmm, maybe I should rephrase that. It isn't that I don't care as much, it's that, I can let it go when it comes to other people seeing me in my mess.
It's just who I am and I shouldn't make excuses for who I am. I have to focus on the things I do well, not on all my mistakes or the things that I can't or don't do. If you come to my house today, if I make you a meal, if you see all the weeds that I just can't keep up with, I have to put it aside and focus on the fact that I am glad you are here.
It's not that the excuses or realizations of me being a mess are whirling in my head, but I thoughtfully move past them, or at least try to, so I can focus on You. I'm certainly not perfect at it, at all.
So here is what I recognize about myself because of how you present yourself to me. It's a red flag that you are insecure when you make excuses. I don't care, I really don't care. It's not that I don't care about you, it's that I don't care about what your exterior looks like because I ultimately see your heart and that's what I care about. Yes, you are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I see that with or without makeup, with or without your hair done, with or without the 'right' outfit on. Your identity isn't based on all that. If you are a lover of Jesus, yours and my identity is anchored in the fact that you and I are children of His. We're all good. It doesn't matter that I have a lot of weight to loose or that I have acne at 34. It doesn't matter that I have a trail through my office and little children that come to visit question why it is so dirty. The truth is, I'm okay, just as I am, mess and all.
If I come to your house, I don't care if it's dirty. I don't care what you have or have not done all day when it comes to cleaning or just being productive in general. Maybe I should clarify. I care when you feel down or happy because you did or did not accomplish something, but don't make excuses on my behalf. I enjoy you because of you.
So here is your gift to me, at the beginning of my 34th year. When you and I meet up whether you come here, I see you in a store, I come to your house or we gather at church, please don't make excuses of what you look like or how your decorations didn't turn out for the shower, or how your breakfast dishes from yesterday still aren't done...It doesn't bother me. I like YOU.
I am going to continue to be intentional about not making excuses as well. Keep me accountable would ya? Will you join me in this next step of growing up? You don't have to do it with everyone you come across, but will you with me?
Oh it's so hard to not make excuses for inadequacy. I think silencing the excuses must be a spiritual discipline that opens us to grace. Thank you for the reminder!
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