1 Day!
8:30 a.m.: In 48 hours she will be here, or really close to being here. The wait will be over, pregnancy behind me, a gift in my arms.
I didn't sleep very well last night. My nose was stuffy and my lungs are feeling quite cramped. So I 'dreamed'. Can you call it "Daydreaming" if it's at night?
I thought about that moment when the last push has been experienced and I can hear her. Then, I see her. Then, I hold her. Eyes are probably puffy, lips the same. A soft whimper and I soothe her with my voice and gentle rocking.
Even in my make-believe world, my emotions take over and I can't help but lift my hands toward the Heavens and Thank Jesus. My relief, my joy, my journey, all from Him. This gift I never thought I would receive is hudled under my chin and I burst forth with cries of praise. Even though these are all just anticipated reactions, I have a strong inclination that it will be nothing less than what I imagine.
Today, I am a bit anxious and my list is long. My pain is normal, thankfully not horrible right now. I know hauling my laundry baskets won't help matters but it is mind over matter at this point.
I feel her move in me and I tell her how excited I am to meet her. I grab what I imagine is her heel. As if we are playing already.
11:45 a.m.: I'm teary with gratitude. I crumble with shoulders slumped forward, knelt on the floor of my basement next to my washer, tears flowing. I think about everything being Grace. I think about how incredible it is that God took out his wrath on his Son, just for me, so that I could one day be in His presence. I can't even fathom putting my son through anything near what Jesus went through. Can you imagine taking out all the anger you have ever had on your child? My brain is so small I can't even pretend to understand.
I am feeling Joy and I am a mess. Jesus has brought me through this season of pain, loss, sickness, lack of sleep, anger, frustration. New life comes out of brokenness. I am thankful, so thankful to be experiencing this first hand. I wish I could describe my heart. I'm not naive and understand there will still be hardships, I don't anticipate being healed from my back pain, but this part is over. Close anyway.
I've received another email in regards to The Story of Esther and how Jesus continues to bring people closer to Himself through it. She hasn't even taken her first breath yet and God has used her. Even just hours away from meeting her, I still grieve that first miscarried child, but I trust that because of my pain, He has brought people to himself. I am thankful He trusts me to help write His Story.
Yesterday afternoon I felt a peace come over me. I haven't had much peace this whole pregnancy but yesterday I couldn't doubt that that is what it was. I knew Esther would be taken care by my Heavenly Father, I felt confirmed in the decisions I had made through this pregnancy about medication. I just had to trust with each decision and step we took through this and yesterday it was all released that it was all decisions that were fine.
I'm bursting with gratitude. Most of my tears these last 39 weeks have been out of hurt and today, they flow from a grateful heart. I'm so thankful. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Thankful for:
Peace, joy, gratitude, Jesus, grace, release of negative feelings, deep, refreshing breaths.
I didn't sleep very well last night. My nose was stuffy and my lungs are feeling quite cramped. So I 'dreamed'. Can you call it "Daydreaming" if it's at night?
I thought about that moment when the last push has been experienced and I can hear her. Then, I see her. Then, I hold her. Eyes are probably puffy, lips the same. A soft whimper and I soothe her with my voice and gentle rocking.
Even in my make-believe world, my emotions take over and I can't help but lift my hands toward the Heavens and Thank Jesus. My relief, my joy, my journey, all from Him. This gift I never thought I would receive is hudled under my chin and I burst forth with cries of praise. Even though these are all just anticipated reactions, I have a strong inclination that it will be nothing less than what I imagine.
Today, I am a bit anxious and my list is long. My pain is normal, thankfully not horrible right now. I know hauling my laundry baskets won't help matters but it is mind over matter at this point.
I feel her move in me and I tell her how excited I am to meet her. I grab what I imagine is her heel. As if we are playing already.
11:45 a.m.: I'm teary with gratitude. I crumble with shoulders slumped forward, knelt on the floor of my basement next to my washer, tears flowing. I think about everything being Grace. I think about how incredible it is that God took out his wrath on his Son, just for me, so that I could one day be in His presence. I can't even fathom putting my son through anything near what Jesus went through. Can you imagine taking out all the anger you have ever had on your child? My brain is so small I can't even pretend to understand.
I am feeling Joy and I am a mess. Jesus has brought me through this season of pain, loss, sickness, lack of sleep, anger, frustration. New life comes out of brokenness. I am thankful, so thankful to be experiencing this first hand. I wish I could describe my heart. I'm not naive and understand there will still be hardships, I don't anticipate being healed from my back pain, but this part is over. Close anyway.
I've received another email in regards to The Story of Esther and how Jesus continues to bring people closer to Himself through it. She hasn't even taken her first breath yet and God has used her. Even just hours away from meeting her, I still grieve that first miscarried child, but I trust that because of my pain, He has brought people to himself. I am thankful He trusts me to help write His Story.
Yesterday afternoon I felt a peace come over me. I haven't had much peace this whole pregnancy but yesterday I couldn't doubt that that is what it was. I knew Esther would be taken care by my Heavenly Father, I felt confirmed in the decisions I had made through this pregnancy about medication. I just had to trust with each decision and step we took through this and yesterday it was all released that it was all decisions that were fine.
I'm bursting with gratitude. Most of my tears these last 39 weeks have been out of hurt and today, they flow from a grateful heart. I'm so thankful. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Thankful for:
Peace, joy, gratitude, Jesus, grace, release of negative feelings, deep, refreshing breaths.
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