Believe
Just at the thought of writing this post I feel a tightness in the space between my gut and chest. Right in the center. Some would recognize it as the Solar Plexus. Whatever you call it, it's anxious. Like experiencing butterflies but not the good kind. They are mean whirling butterflies. Little known fact I don't care for butterflies. They are beautiful but they are the bats of the day to me and if one flits it's fancy little wings toward me I may pull a Muhammad Ali move.
For the past several weeks I have had this knot in 'that spot' (if you forgot, reread the first paragraph and for goodness sakes, Pay Attention!). I've been too busy for this pain stricken body and haven't had the pause I need to work well in all areas of life. During all this time I always felt like I had shortness of breath as if I walked up a few flights of stairs. I'll be honest with you, it's more like one flight of stairs for me. I would even lay in bed and feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't talk myself down or slow my breath. I would even gasp. There wasn't pain associated and I never felt like it was heart issues, just stress and physical anxiety.
I used a couple oils at some point back in December and completely snapped! It was so bad I called Kendal home and had to put myself to bed for the rest of the day. Not my best moment. Pretty sure my best moment was sometime in Elementary school and it has all been down hill from there. Apparently my glory days were when I was 10.
I stopped using that oil immediately have have not touched it since. It scares me. If I had been prepared I am sure I would have just checked myself into some padded room and let at it. Alas I couldn't so I stuffed it back down and figured I would somehow have to deal with it at a later time.
I may have had an additional one or two more brake downs. Crying to my dear husband whom is always so gracious and loving and kind and and and. Even spewing out emotions, "that spot" (again, pay attention!) would not let up. I chalked it up to stress with hustling two separate businesses and all the rest of life's stressors we all deal with.
Mid December things just got harder. Orders were through the rough, I was trying to make some goals with YL, feeling true, deep, guttural emotions with relationships and then the real biggies of my In-laws flying from Northern British Columbia to Tijuana, Mexico for cancer treatments for at least 3 weeks. They are still there and to be completed with treatments at some point later next week. I'm worried and emotional over that. I asked my husband if he thought he should fly down to Mexico and help them get back home and settled. We're still in the waiting stage to see if that is going to happen. You can bring them before the Father in prayer for complete healing.
Here come the tears... at 2:15 am on December 22nd, Kendal and I were at Skamania Lodge and I couldn't sleep. I had been communicating with some dear friends over the frailness of their husband and father. He was to enter hospice but there was hope he would be able to go home if they got pain and other details under control. Just a few hours after he entered hospice he entered heaven and that 2:15am text crushed a family and broke my heart open for them. I sobbed on their behalf. That day will never be the same and today they are walking through the details of a new normal and it just sucks!
So knots, lots and lots of knots all balled up into a tangled mess that only Jesus can unscramble and put right again. I've been so distant from Jesus. He not from me but I just haven't been able to pray like I used to. It seems like so much effort. I know that is weird to think that prayer is more than closing ones eyes and gently whispering but it is and groans suffice in this season.
I have been using my fancy schmancy little iTovi scanner for oils. It scans the frequencies in my body and pairs oils up to where they are lacking or needing a boost so that I can feel the best. I kept scanning for one called "Believe". I own it and never really cared for it. It remained on the shelf. Of course I continued to scan for this oil in big numbers. Like half of all the biomarkers it was hitting on.
Okay Okay, I started to apply it. I diffused it. It scared me because I didn't want to freak out like i did with "release". I started to love the smell, almost crave it. I would put it on my neck all the way around it and over my chest and "that spot" and forearms. Bases covered. Oh and over my liver, once.
Kendal had come home for lunch and once again I cried about how, how...I couldn't find the words. I stumbled around a few as I walked through all the hats I wear and fail with each and everyone of them. Hard, I fail hard! Inadequate. THAT was the word. I am INADEQUATE. Gosh, just recognizing what that word means gives me that anxiety. I am so inadequate in every single aspect of my life. Don't try to tell me otherwise because I won't believe it.
I continued to wrestle with all this emotional turmoil between all the heartaches and worries and just not feeling worth a darn lick. I was working on my "Joyful January" post and was searching for that one big thing that brought that JOY!
Here is my post:
#joyfuljanuary day #3: I'm struggling with this one today because there is just so much heartache swirling around me/us. The weight of the world is so very heavy. The kind of weight where you just want to close down and get into bed OR push through and work harder without acknowledging any of it.
For the past several weeks I have had this knot in 'that spot' (if you forgot, reread the first paragraph and for goodness sakes, Pay Attention!). I've been too busy for this pain stricken body and haven't had the pause I need to work well in all areas of life. During all this time I always felt like I had shortness of breath as if I walked up a few flights of stairs. I'll be honest with you, it's more like one flight of stairs for me. I would even lay in bed and feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't talk myself down or slow my breath. I would even gasp. There wasn't pain associated and I never felt like it was heart issues, just stress and physical anxiety.
I used a couple oils at some point back in December and completely snapped! It was so bad I called Kendal home and had to put myself to bed for the rest of the day. Not my best moment. Pretty sure my best moment was sometime in Elementary school and it has all been down hill from there. Apparently my glory days were when I was 10.
I stopped using that oil immediately have have not touched it since. It scares me. If I had been prepared I am sure I would have just checked myself into some padded room and let at it. Alas I couldn't so I stuffed it back down and figured I would somehow have to deal with it at a later time.
I may have had an additional one or two more brake downs. Crying to my dear husband whom is always so gracious and loving and kind and and and. Even spewing out emotions, "that spot" (again, pay attention!) would not let up. I chalked it up to stress with hustling two separate businesses and all the rest of life's stressors we all deal with.
Mid December things just got harder. Orders were through the rough, I was trying to make some goals with YL, feeling true, deep, guttural emotions with relationships and then the real biggies of my In-laws flying from Northern British Columbia to Tijuana, Mexico for cancer treatments for at least 3 weeks. They are still there and to be completed with treatments at some point later next week. I'm worried and emotional over that. I asked my husband if he thought he should fly down to Mexico and help them get back home and settled. We're still in the waiting stage to see if that is going to happen. You can bring them before the Father in prayer for complete healing.
Here come the tears... at 2:15 am on December 22nd, Kendal and I were at Skamania Lodge and I couldn't sleep. I had been communicating with some dear friends over the frailness of their husband and father. He was to enter hospice but there was hope he would be able to go home if they got pain and other details under control. Just a few hours after he entered hospice he entered heaven and that 2:15am text crushed a family and broke my heart open for them. I sobbed on their behalf. That day will never be the same and today they are walking through the details of a new normal and it just sucks!
So knots, lots and lots of knots all balled up into a tangled mess that only Jesus can unscramble and put right again. I've been so distant from Jesus. He not from me but I just haven't been able to pray like I used to. It seems like so much effort. I know that is weird to think that prayer is more than closing ones eyes and gently whispering but it is and groans suffice in this season.
I have been using my fancy schmancy little iTovi scanner for oils. It scans the frequencies in my body and pairs oils up to where they are lacking or needing a boost so that I can feel the best. I kept scanning for one called "Believe". I own it and never really cared for it. It remained on the shelf. Of course I continued to scan for this oil in big numbers. Like half of all the biomarkers it was hitting on.
Okay Okay, I started to apply it. I diffused it. It scared me because I didn't want to freak out like i did with "release". I started to love the smell, almost crave it. I would put it on my neck all the way around it and over my chest and "that spot" and forearms. Bases covered. Oh and over my liver, once.
Kendal had come home for lunch and once again I cried about how, how...I couldn't find the words. I stumbled around a few as I walked through all the hats I wear and fail with each and everyone of them. Hard, I fail hard! Inadequate. THAT was the word. I am INADEQUATE. Gosh, just recognizing what that word means gives me that anxiety. I am so inadequate in every single aspect of my life. Don't try to tell me otherwise because I won't believe it.
I continued to wrestle with all this emotional turmoil between all the heartaches and worries and just not feeling worth a darn lick. I was working on my "Joyful January" post and was searching for that one big thing that brought that JOY!
Here is my post:
#joyfuljanuary day #3: I'm struggling with this one today because there is just so much heartache swirling around me/us. The weight of the world is so very heavy. The kind of weight where you just want to close down and get into bed OR push through and work harder without acknowledging any of it.
So I TRULY have to CHOOSE JOY today. I want to look for something big and obvious. Something that warms my entire body with happiness. Yet, I don't have anything glaring me in the face to hold onto and pass along....and just like that, during this thinking and typing process something so small became something so big...
Kendal walked in the door and stretched out his arms and told Esther to "come here" in a gentle and joyful tone. She jumped from the couch into his outstretched arms without fear of falling. Her smile was nothing but pure JOY to see her Father. You get where I am going here?
I am the daughter of the King, I need to jump into His outstretched arms without fear of falling. His arms can bear my weight and he can carry my burdens. His face is full of JOY as he looks at mine.
Jump for JOY! Jump to JOY!
Here that tiny glimpse of how a father loves a daughter, in our tiny home on this planet IS that great big, settled into my soul the truth my Father the KING loves me, his daughter. I'm not explaining this how I want. I wish you could see my arms flying and my eyebrows raising and falling, you'd totally get it.
I continued to apply that "Believe" oil. I believe that my body needed this.
My chest started to ease, the knots began to untangle, my breaths were belly-deep and not the small upper lung light puffs. I breathed that oil in like it was my oxygen. I trusted that Jesus brought me to this oil that their frequencies matched up with what I needed and helped facilitate my 'give'. My body gave.
I did a little investigating and here is what I found out about "Believe" essential oil.
It will release emotions of despair and inadequacy that are typically stored in the lungs of the body according to Traditional Chinese Medicine; and it will bring stability to the emotions by restoring hope and desire.
I am inadequate. Jesus is not. My trust is in Jesus therefore, I am enough. I breathe deep.
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