i am free.

My pain is unbearable.  It sucks life right from your bones.  It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.  It's what consumes my thoughts and dreams.  It's what comes to mind when I make plans for my day.  It gets in the way of relationships, all of them, children and husband mostly.  It dictates how clean my house is and what we eat for dinner.  It chooses what we do for vacation, how and where we sleep and sit.  It determines how long I can stay somewhere, how and where I stand and what shoes to wear.  How I pick up and hold my children.  It affects my sleep which affects my days.  The hardest part is the mental aspect of it all, it is draining, I am weary. So weary.

I have been struggling emotionally with my pain.  This is nothing new but it had seemed to intensify with all the other junk going on emotionally.  It is extremely challenging to take care of 4 little boys, and infant, a home with all that entails, make meals, run 2 Etsy shops, and try and make baked goods to extra cash. All while the above paragraph is taking place.  Life is just hard.  There is no other way to describe it.

With the emotional ups and downs of the depression and anxiety that I have been experiencing I have been extremely sensitive to the Lord's words.  He whispers them, but they resinate as though they are shouted.  He convicts me of my pain being an idol.  I repent and ask Him to teach me how to deal with my pain so it is not in the way of Him.  I hear these whispers of healing too.  That my healing is close.  I can feel it, in those same bones that pain has made them dry and brittle.  My healing is close.  I can't say I heard it plainly, but something stirred in my soul and it gave me hope.

Fast forward a handful of weeks...
I started Zoloft 7 days ago and can testify of a miracle that is taking place right now.

I am sitting here writing this with very little pain in my legs and get this, I just went jogging!  Probably the first jog in 3 years or so.

Each day on Zoloft gets better.  My legs aren't burning like they usually do and the sciatic doesn't seem to be as strong.  You know when you tie something tight around your finger, and it turns purple?  That is the pain in my legs most of the time.  But today, the pressure is lightening up and I am motivated to experience life again.
I feel like a prisoner that has been set free. I feel like dancing and running and jumping and raising my hands to Jesus!  This is a miracle!  Nothing less than a miracle!  We sang this song in church today and I just felt like it was so fitting.  Today was the first Sunday back after about 8 weeks of missing it and what a perfect gift for my heart.

"Through You the blind will see, Through You the mute will sing,

Through You the dead will rise, Through You all hearts will 

praise, 

Through You the darkness flees, Through You my heart screams, I 

am free! I am free!

      
I am free to run (I am free to run)
      
I am free to dance (I am free to dance) 
                                
I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you)" 
       
I am free (I am free)"

Written by Jon Egan

In my humaness I await the going away of all the good.  It can be taken away in the blink of an eye.  I could even say that Jesus is lying or gave me false hope.  But that isn't truth.  In this moment, even if it is all gone tomorrow, Jesus sits with me still and I find relief.  He is good and he brings good gifts again.  

I don't even have the words to express what I feel like right now.  It's beyond incredible.  I am so thankful, I am so humbled.  I feel like sleeping for a year because I am so comfortable for the first time. I'm not holding myself taunt constantly and the weariness of the burn in my legs is beginning to fade.  

If you love the Lord Jesus as your Savior, will you please praise Him?!  Thank Him for this miracle!

If you have yet to trust Jesus, will you consider the works He has done in my life and trust He can do just as big of miracles in you too?  

If you have questions, please feel free to ask, or ask a friend that trusts and follows the God of the Bible.  Jesus is so good, so so good.

be well.

LF