Sometimes You Need Drugs
I went to the doctor a couple times in the last month coming away crying and with little hope. In one of the appointments I was given a depression test. I failed. I knew I wasn't feeling very well emotionally, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong. Things didn't seem very exciting or fun, even though I knew they should be. Typical depression symptoms, but again, I didn't feel depressed. I dealt with depression back in 1999-2001-ish and this was nothing like that.
To be honest, I figured this feeling was just life for me because of my pain. Everything is tainted, my pain comes first, everything else after that. God convicted me of this not long ago as I laid on my belly in the middle of the living room in the wee hours of the morning. I had no idea I was putting my pain before God, and I have no idea how to do it differently. My surgeon described experiencing pain like someone always having their hand in your face, how do you see around it, how do you get it to stop?
I am on pain meds, two kinds, and my doctor wanted to add an anti-depressant and so I went home with some and started it. On day 4 I did a little more reading about the drug and what I read scared me and so I went off of it. Even at 4 days I experienced some side effects. I am thankful I wasn't on it for much longer.
About 3 weeks ago my anxiety was getting a little out of control. I have experienced fear-driven anxiety, and irrational anxiety and this was neither of those. This was something I would experience as soon as I opened my eyes, or right after lunch out of no where. I experienced a couple panic attacks and was not eating. I was up at all hours of the night and revved up for 48 hours at a time and then crash. Almost bi-polar-like.
I called my Mom one afternoon while on the elliptical because I was so anxious I couldn't just workout. My questioned my eating, drinking and sleeping habits and was here by that evening to help take care of me and help with the house and kids.
I saw my Doctor again the day after my Mom got their and we talked about meds again and I said I didn't want to get a long acting medicine because I didn't want to deal with any withdrawal again. He gave me a short acting medicine to help with anxiety. It helped at night, but not in the day. I was feeling like a real crazy!
Mom went home after being here for 3 or 4 days and the next day I crashed, hard. Depression was thick and I couldn't see past it. Kendal cared for me until my Mom came back a couple days later. We met her in Salem at my doctors office and she and Kendal both came in with me. It was a hard appointment at first because of some rough things he said to me, but then Kendal and Mom pinned him to the wall and he changed his tone. Thankfully I had my advocates there to stand up for me.
I left there with a prescription for Zoloft. I didn't want to add anything to my medicine regimen because I felt like it was going the wrong way, I want to be off meds!
The next evening I, along with some other gals, were hosting a dinner party and I was in over my head. We called my Aunt and Grandma in for the extra help and pulled it off. (Gosh, this is turning into a long boring story). My Grandma and Aunt stayed a couple more days and Mom was planning on leaving too. As the transition to being left alone was coming closer, my panic started to rear it's ugly head. Mom decided to stay for a few more days. I was thankful as I wasn't ready to tackle life again on my own.
By day 4 or 5 on Zoloft I was starting to eat more and sleep! My panic and anxiety was also subsiding! Mom went home on day 6 and today is day 7 and I am feeling awesome.
I haven't felt this good in years, Years! The way I respond to my children, the way I see my home and chores, it's all different. It's a miracle, really.
This story is two-fold. This is the emotional-mental side, but there is a whole pain side that I can't wait to tell you about! Read my next entry!
To be honest, I figured this feeling was just life for me because of my pain. Everything is tainted, my pain comes first, everything else after that. God convicted me of this not long ago as I laid on my belly in the middle of the living room in the wee hours of the morning. I had no idea I was putting my pain before God, and I have no idea how to do it differently. My surgeon described experiencing pain like someone always having their hand in your face, how do you see around it, how do you get it to stop?
I am on pain meds, two kinds, and my doctor wanted to add an anti-depressant and so I went home with some and started it. On day 4 I did a little more reading about the drug and what I read scared me and so I went off of it. Even at 4 days I experienced some side effects. I am thankful I wasn't on it for much longer.
About 3 weeks ago my anxiety was getting a little out of control. I have experienced fear-driven anxiety, and irrational anxiety and this was neither of those. This was something I would experience as soon as I opened my eyes, or right after lunch out of no where. I experienced a couple panic attacks and was not eating. I was up at all hours of the night and revved up for 48 hours at a time and then crash. Almost bi-polar-like.
I called my Mom one afternoon while on the elliptical because I was so anxious I couldn't just workout. My questioned my eating, drinking and sleeping habits and was here by that evening to help take care of me and help with the house and kids.
I saw my Doctor again the day after my Mom got their and we talked about meds again and I said I didn't want to get a long acting medicine because I didn't want to deal with any withdrawal again. He gave me a short acting medicine to help with anxiety. It helped at night, but not in the day. I was feeling like a real crazy!
Mom went home after being here for 3 or 4 days and the next day I crashed, hard. Depression was thick and I couldn't see past it. Kendal cared for me until my Mom came back a couple days later. We met her in Salem at my doctors office and she and Kendal both came in with me. It was a hard appointment at first because of some rough things he said to me, but then Kendal and Mom pinned him to the wall and he changed his tone. Thankfully I had my advocates there to stand up for me.
I left there with a prescription for Zoloft. I didn't want to add anything to my medicine regimen because I felt like it was going the wrong way, I want to be off meds!
The next evening I, along with some other gals, were hosting a dinner party and I was in over my head. We called my Aunt and Grandma in for the extra help and pulled it off. (Gosh, this is turning into a long boring story). My Grandma and Aunt stayed a couple more days and Mom was planning on leaving too. As the transition to being left alone was coming closer, my panic started to rear it's ugly head. Mom decided to stay for a few more days. I was thankful as I wasn't ready to tackle life again on my own.
By day 4 or 5 on Zoloft I was starting to eat more and sleep! My panic and anxiety was also subsiding! Mom went home on day 6 and today is day 7 and I am feeling awesome.
I haven't felt this good in years, Years! The way I respond to my children, the way I see my home and chores, it's all different. It's a miracle, really.
This story is two-fold. This is the emotional-mental side, but there is a whole pain side that I can't wait to tell you about! Read my next entry!
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