2 Week Project. Finished.

I went through my two week project without much to report, so I thought. Hence why I am posting at over 3 weeks. The couple things I will share that I had the most trouble with and caused most of the anxiety were, not cleaning until after 2 p.m. and trying to lounge in the chair while lunch was served to me.

I did pretty well in heeding the rule of not cleaning, but the heavy guilt and frustration that came over my body was something I wasn't prepared for. I found myself pacing around my house and not getting anything done. I just couldn't get over the fact that things needed to be cleaned and I was supposed to ignore it and work on my business, play with the kids, or just sit and look at a magazine or watch T.V. I recognized these internal feelings which at times caused more turmoil inside. Did I mention I paced?

I completely failed in the lounge chair challenge. I think I only did it one day. It feels very strange to have my husband, who works all day, to come home, make the lunch and then serve it to me while I lazily laid in the chair. It didn't feel fair to me that he had to pick up my slack. He would say over and over again that he was happy to do it and tell me to go sit down, but I just couldn't handle it. Hmm, think I some things to work on?

Both these simple tasks stirred up some serious negative responses for me. If it stirred on such a deep level, it is becoming very clear to me, that I am putting a whole lot of weight on my "works" or that I am "earning" my keep. That I am only worthy if I accomplish, complete, make someone happy with me. In no, way, shape or form, have those expectations been placed on me by anyone. They all come from a deep place that has some serious reorganizing to do.

These last 2 weeks at counseling have been just me, for 2 hours each time. I have been doing a lot of hard work. To some, it might seem pretty simplistic, but for me, it's huge and overwhelming.

Some things I am working on, to name a few:

Accepting grace

Being seen

Recognizing my 'thinking errors'

Sitting in emotionally uncomfortable silence

I am drained, I am burdened, I am overwhelmed, I am depleted.

I covet your prayers in this difficult time of life.