I emailed

I took it off the table, I decided that I just can't make that decision yet. I wasn't sleeping well, if at all, my stress level was through the roof and almost every thought was consumed with the fear of having surgery.

After I decided that I was going to lose some weight, get my core strong and then see how I feel, then I would revisit the idea of going under the knife.

The stress subsided, I focused on moving, I have my meds so my pain is controlled a bit. And I was able to push surgery out of my mind.

But.

Every time the thought crept in about surgery, I kept having this wave come over me that felt like a gentle pushing of go towards faith, take the step, trust that this can be your healing.

Here is an opportunity laid out in front of me, waiting for me to commit and I am on the fence. I am on the fence? Who does that? Who complains every day for the past 2 years and waivers on a procedure that could radically change not just my life, but my husband's, my children's, my family and friends'.

It comes down to being selfish and giving into fear.

I am allowing fear to rule the potentially positive future of my family.

I was working on my sons' birthday party goodie bags yesterday. While standing at the table, I kept trying to get comfortable, stretching my back, my sides, my legs. I would sit down and then stand back up with no relief. I started to think about the fact that we now know where we will be living in October (when the surgery will be scheduled) and that we have an Anniversary getaway planned for December and if the timeline works out, will be moving into a new home come Spring. We have a long and exciting list of really fun things to look forward to. I would love to do them all with a fresh outlook, with less pain, much less, manageable. And here's my hope, tangible, something that is in my near future. A procedure that within a week after having it, I will be feeling so much better, healing and looking forward to all the great things in my life. One week. I have to give up one week of bad, bad pain for a future of great things.

Don't get me wrong, I am still scared, terrified even. BUT, I have to trust that I am hearing whispers from the One who knows my future and is pointing me there.

I walked from the table where I was cutting out Mario Kart and Canuck's designs, picked up my computer, trying to ignore my inner dialogue of "what are you doing?" and I emailed my Dr. I explained that I was scared, but I needed to take a step. I asked him to put me in the surgery schedule.

I feel like this is a bit of an out of body experience and that this still isn't reality. I know it will sink in the closer it gets. I hear myself say that this is my next step, but I have it kind of shoved in the back of my head for now.

There is more waiting in my future as it doesn't look like I will face this procedure until October. Just more time to get my body into healing shape. Right?