Making Plans is a Joke

February 23rd, my pain was so intense that I decided to have the surgery that I have been putting off. I was in such horrific pain that I was about ready to go to the ER. What stopped me was I knew there really wasn't a whole lot they can do, it wasn't a new injury and I was already on pain meds. I understand that they could have done an IV med, but then what, it wears off and I am back to square one and a bill that I can't afford right now.

I emailed Dr. Jenkins, my surgeon that very night. I cried and cried while sitting in the lazy-boy because the realization that I was choosing surgery meant that I was saying no to any more children. I had to choose to get healthy and well for my family...and me. By saying yes to surgery, I had to put my hearts desire away and trust that the Lord would heal my heart.

Friday morning, February 24th, I had some pep in my step. The sun shone through our bedroom window and the neighborhood was white with frost. I got my sneakers on and bundled up to take my walk around our new block. I prayed as I walked, I inhaled cold, crisp air into my lungs and I was motivated to get strong for surgery, and today was the first day.

The boys were back at school after almost 2 weeks of being sick and it was my first day to get to bake for "Friday Cookies". My kitchen was clean and primed for baking. I put on my favorite tunes and danced with my 2 year old, there was joy.

With 2 miscarriages in 5 months and the rest of those months not being pregnant, and the experience Kendal and I both had from hearing from the Lord at the same time, I assumed we aren't to have any more children. That was where my heart had landed, it wasn't easy to admit that that was my reality, but I understood that it was what the Lord wanted for me/us and that is what is best, the Lord's will.

Sunday, February 26th, I took a pregnancy test, fully expecting to go through the emotions of yet another month of negative tests. I knew surgery was on my horizon, I knew I could put more time into my small businesses, and I knew our family was sealed as 6.

Faint...a faint line...on the test. Shock!

Monday, February 27th, another faint line.

Tuesday, February 28th, yep, a touch stronger

Wednesday, February 29th, tested at the Doctor, both types of tests turned up positive.

...today I am 5.5 weeks pregnant. These last few weeks have been filled with a lot of emotions, negative and positive. I have had to go off of my morphine and gabapentin. I have been going through withdrawals. Anxiety, agitation, insomnia, pain, stomach problems, chills, fever...

I have been on the couch most of this last week and Mom was here for a few days to help. This is tough stuff guys. I am hoping it subsides soon, sleep returns and we can start to get back to normal.

We trust that our Big God loves us more than we know, and is giving us what we need.

I'm terrified of this challenge, as well as my husband is. The pain I experience every day feels unbearable with meds, and here I sit facing 9 months of extreme pain, trying to grow a healthy babe.

....I am learning to trust God in a different way. I think trust looks differently to those that deal with chronic pain and this is what I need to learn. Hopefully I learn this before November 8th.