The Story of Esther: Sovereign Purpose, Sovereign Design

It's been a while, huh?  I've been struggling with some heart issues that run pretty deep that are too hard to share.  Learning how to navigate relationships, where I stand with people and wondering when to step back when you feel like you are just being tolerated.  I don't want to be "that girl."  I won't go into it, but that is why I haven't written, not sure what to say.

On a much lighter, happier note!  I was showered with love last night from the ladies at my church.  It was amazing to see the smiling faces that have been support for Kendal and I for so many years.  My dear friend, Jana, organized, made, decorated, baked, wrapped, shopped and created a beautiful celebration for our sweet Esther.

To be honest, the thing I was most excited about was sharing the story of Esther.  I want people to understand the journey we have been on while I was hoping for her before there was a her.  This wasn't just an "oops we already have four children and I guess now we'll have one more kind of deal." This was a deep deep desire that I grieved for quite some time.  Kendal didn't want any more children but he was faithful to follow what the Lord asked of him, to trust.
Of course I have blogged every raw moment and the story is scattered throughout this site, but I wanted it all compiled into one story.

Enter Pam Teschner.  She is a wise woman that has a gift for storying.  She has shared monologues for years during special occasions at church and has recently written a book.  She has the honor of speaking at Camp Tadmor's Women's Camp next year.

A few weeks ago, I asked Pam to be my sounding board.  I have found myself on the verge of exploding over issues I can't talk about regarding church and relationships and whatever else comes up that I just can't seem to share with just anyone.  I knew she was safe and she would tell me the truth with whatever I needed to hear.

Last Sunday I asked if she would be willing to compile my blogs regarding Esther and share it at the shower.  I wanted to tell the story about how good God is.

She went above and beyond what I ever could have imagined as she set the stage for "The Story of Esther..."

I trust you will be encouraged and I hope you will see God's sovereignty and care for healing hearts of his children.

The Story of Esther: Sovereign purpose, Sovereign design.

Before the world was formed or the first star appeared in the sky, there sprouted in God’s heart five little Fitchetts – Lucas, Jonah, Silas, Abram and Esther. He planted His little gifts one-by-one in a womb anxious to embrace them and entrusted their hearts and their lives to Kendal and Lindsay. This is the story of the last little sprout (assuming there isn’t a sixth tucked away in God’s heart).

God blessed Kendal and Lindsay with four boys and they have wrapped their lives and their hearts around His precious gifts. After four, logic said…stop. Finances, health, sanity, logistics and every other reason all pointed to a halt. So, after Abram was born they decided he would be their last. But God wasn’t done with the Fitchetts, and He put an ache in Lindsay’s heart for Esther.

In January 2011 Lindsay wrote, “even deeper than [the ache of not having any more children], it is a heart shaped void that is called Esther.” Lindsay buried the ache and prayed for God’s healing. But grief shadowed her spirit and spilled into deep sobs. “I will never know the joys of holding my very own little baby girl. I will never help my daughter bride put on her wedding gown. …the void is deep and can only be filled by a gracious, loving God. These tears are for a daughter that I will never meet, but I have to trust that God can carry this burden too, so I heap it on Him.”

So, Lindsay struggled and swung back and forth between human reason and hope for Esther. A little thread of hope, and the hand of God, postponed permanent measures to make Abram the youngest of four. But she continued to pray for healing and attempted to move on as a mother of four wonderful boys in a house of hot wheels, blue walls and rambunctious wrestling. Maternity clothes and baby gear were all sold and back surgery planned.

Then two lines on the pregnancy test brought shocking news September 2011. Nudging a sleeping Kendal, Lindsay said, “I think we’re pregnant. He didn’t believe me.” Her mind raced with excitement and shock and she wrote, "Wave after wave of negative filled my head and heart. Yet somewhere beneath it all, little truths rang out...’God knows the desires of your heart. He sold your house and is providing a new place that is perfect for the family that He is designing. He is sovereign. He is my provider.’ As I started to focus on…His truths and reminded myself that I know He is faithful, the rudder on my heart changed directions and propelled me into peace and joy for this new babe.”

Repeated pregnancy tests over the next few days showed differing results – positive, negative, positive. Emotions and expectations jerked back and forth with test results. Lindsay prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. Then test results at Kaiser Permanente revealed the truth: A babe was there but now was gone.  Lindsay wrote, “How quickly life has changed again. My snow-globe has been shaken, my heart broken and I feel like I need to run around gathering pieces of it, hoping it will get put back together in a timely manner. I don't want to hurt anymore; I am ready for our lives to settle down, to stop aching, to be normal. I am tired of grief. But I know He is using this for something bigger than I can see. I've said He could use me. Settled, I will speak of all that can be Eucharistic. My heart still aches and it will for some time, but my eyes will be fixed on the 'something bigger.’'’

Several months of healing followed her disappointment in September. But healing can be its own roller coaster. Progress then regress and progress a little more. Thoughts of the relinquishment of dreams tumbled around in Lindsay’s mind…”that exciting moment that you see the 2 little pink lines. That moment you feel the first kick. The crazy excitement and fear when you are about to deliver and the overwhelming adrenaline and love that happens at the moment the last push happens and sweet babe is laid on your chest. I have to face that I probably will never nurse in the middle of the night, take naps at 9 a.m. with a 4 week old because we were up at 3 a.m. ‘talking’. I will miss the tiny baby ankles that seem like they may never hold a sock up. What about those first funny faces they take as mushed peas are spit across the kitchen? Yes, these are what I grieve.” It was time to move on, time to heal, but God left a little door named Esther open in Lindsay’s heart.

Then in January 2012, another positive test result. Lindsay wrote, “My heart fluttered, and then fell into my stomach. I wondered if He was waiting for me to get it into my brain that I can trust Him with whatever answer.” But it was not to be and God’s answer was another loss…another disappointment. With yet another broken heart, she wrote, “Two babes in five months, gone.” Confusion and pain nearly overwhelmed her. Living by faith in a God who gives one moment and takes away in another is humanely impossible, but that, too, is His gift.

A little voice whispered, “Name her.” So, after letting the boys know of the miscarriage, they all talked about names for the two little ones in heaven. Lindsay wrote, “Of course, they quickly started spouting off Wii video game characters, but in a lull of all the other noises, Jonah pipes up and says, ‘Polly’. Yes, Polly. I looked at him and said, ‘Jonah, that is perfect, we'll name her Polly.’ A few more suggestions were thrown out there by a 4 year old that desperately wants a sibling named ‘Sonic’. I went with Polly. She now has more meaning, legitimacy and understanding for all of us in the Fitchett family. When I remember my Polly, it is a great reminder to give thanks, even when it hurts.”

The first miscarried babe was also named and Lindsay wrote, “She is with her sister, Peach Daisy, in Heaven. What wonderful little sister names, Peach & Polly. What sweet daughters to be seated with Jesus and wait to greet us. I can't wait to hold Peach & Polly, scoop them up, kiss their sweet cheeks, tell them how much I love them and oh how I missed them.”

Once again, the dreamed died and hope was released into God’s hands. The time had come for a decision to proceed with back surgery. God’s direction seemed clear and Lindsay embraced His will – living with five males and having her tea parties alone.

Then heaven opened in February 2012, and God planted another little sprout named Esther Dorothy Grace in a womb so wanting to bear her. She is named for two of her great-grandmothers and the grace of a God who smiles upon her. Lindsay wrote, “There really isn’t another name or word with so much meaning for such a precious gift.”

Whiplash from the emotional roller coaster left her dazed but elated. Another rough road loomed ahead – withdrawal from all pain meds.

They weathered withdrawals, and now facing chronic back pain without pain meds is daunting and frightening. Lindsay wrote, “We trust that our big God loves us more than we know, and is giving us what we need. I'm terrified of this challenge, as well as my husband is. The pain I experience every day feels unbearable with meds, and here I sit facing 9 months of extreme pain, trying to grow a healthy babe. I am learning to trust God in a different way. I think trust looks differently to those that deal with chronic pain and this is what I need to learn. Hopefully I learn this before November 8^th.” 

And so Lindsay put her hand in the hand of God and wrote, “While trusting that God would take care of me, he gave me a kind, merciful Doctor that eased our nerves about taking medications to help with the pain.  It has been a very difficult road, but we have trusted that God gave us the right Doctor at the right time to help manage pain while taking care of our precious gift.”

In June, Lindsay poured out her excitement, “I don't know if I can put into words what my heart is doing. It flips and flops within my chest as I imagine what she will look like, how it will feel to hold her, and mostly to dwell on how good God is. God has given me the desire of my heart. The journey that we have been on for the last couple years, from not having any more children, to miscarrying 2 babes, to the Lord changing hearts, then blessing us with a healthy pregnancy (not without its own trials and hardships), and yesterday finding out that our family is finalized with a daughter. Incredible. I feel so small, humbled. I don’t deserve it, it’s all Grace.”

As I have read Lindsay’s blogs and reflected on her journey, I have seen how God shaped her dreams, brought her to a place of relinquishment and gave her His desire for Esther. Through joy and pain He continues to carry her into the perfect place of His will and has taught her that all is grace. 

This little girl will melt the heart of her father and have four big brothers to love her, torment her, teach her how to throw and beat up anybody who messes with her. And she will do what no one will be able to do…help them get in touch with their feminine side as she serves them a spot of make-believe tea.

The story of Esther is a story God’s great grace in bringing life from death. II Corinthians 4:10 is a picture of the last year and half for Kendal and Lindsay: We carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. This process hasn’t been rawer than in the lives of the Fitchetts. God has done immeasurably more than all they imagined according to His power that is at work within them. To God be the glory!

…you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

Esther Dorothy Grace Fitchett…Sovereign purpose…Sovereign design.

Pam Teschner, September 10, 2012