Normal Wackado

I filled out paperwork as we drove there.  It took the entire 30 minute drive to answer all the questions.  We were both quiet.  He knew I had been anticipating it for many weeks, actually, a couple months now.  

We checked in and sat in the waiting room, cracked a few jokes and then was called back. 

Her name was Lindsay too.  My first impression was a bit cold, sterile, what I anticipated.  We sat down and I made sure my posture was open.  I didn't want to seem closed off, I've been here before after all.  Yes, different seat, same purpose, to figure out what was wrong.

She asked questions, I answered.  We warmed up to each other and the conversation become smoother.   She understood or at least made me feel like she understood.  Surprisingly I only teared up a few times in that whole hour we sat in there.  I know future meetings will need more tissues. 

She told me that I have probably been dealing with this condition for years and years.  You usually have your first bought with it in your late teens or early 20's.  As much as I was surprised, we had wondered if this is what I deal with.  

The last 3 months or so I have been dealing with anxiety, most of it is purely physical, not as much fear based like past "episodes".  I feel like I am vibrating all the time, revved up.  I am fidgety and restless.  I want to rip my skin off and I shake. I don't eat as much as I used to and I can be nauseated seeing some foods.  I have moments where I work quickly and somewhat aggressively.  Life seems okay, manageable.  I accomplish, I tackle, I have ideas, I am willing, I want to sign up for and attend.  

Next thing I know, I'm tired, overwhelmed, stressed, grumpy, irritable, quiet and can be incredibly, incredibly sad.  I cry in the basement, it's almost a wail and I don't know why.  As these swings in mood come and go, I know the next one is just a few days away. 

The word "bipolar II" crosses her lips and it's directed at me.  We kind of wondered if that is what it was, but it doesn't really help my case of not wanting to be in a box.  I don't like labels so of course lets slap another one on me.  My name tag now reads: Lindsay, chronic pain sufferer, narcotic taker, bipolar II, probably on meds the rest of her life, Pastor's wife, owner of fledgling business, weary mother of 5, odd girl out, Fitchett. 

We all have an idea of what bipolar is because we know the extreme of it, the very manic and very depressed.  The impulsive and sometimes hurtful then shifts to the dark and dreary.   It wasn't an official diagnosis, I'll have another appointment to confirm, but that is the direction it is probably headed.  

Lindsay, the Kaiser therapist, assured me that this is very treatable.  I look forward to trying some new medication and have hope that I will feel better than I have in years and years.  Bipolar II is a mood disorder has pretty much the same depression side of Bipolar I, but the manic side isn't as manic, it's called hypomanic. 

So I'll say this, don't treat me different, like all the sudden I might stare into space and not speak in a normal voice, or that I have to be coddled because I could explode at any moment or that I have this "thing" that is weird and uncomfortable to talk about.  I'm the same.  I've probably been dealing with it as long as most of you have known me.  It's exaggerated right now due to just having a baby but it won't go away, probably just vary as the seasons change.  Apparently this goes undiagnosed for many many people.  So, if you look at me and think I'm a wackado, I'm probably gonna think it about you too.

I am thankful to be figuring out how to function with it.  I look forward to feeling as close to my normal as possible.  Fingers crossed I have a "normal" somewhere ;)