For Something Bigger

...I don't even know where to start.

I know my heart is broken...

I know that I am laying here in bed wondering what is next. Wondering why the Lord would allow for this, especially right now. My life was flipped upside down...no...it was picked up, shaken up like a snow globe and then all the pieces landed, jumbled. I now have to scoop them back up, re-examine them and hopefully put them back together.

I longed for another baby, and more so, a daughter. I even said, sometime a few weeks ago, "man I am having that ache for a girl right now." And then it passed, like it always seems to, now that I have worked so hard on healing.

Friday, September 9th, in the early morning I broke out into a cold sweat. I had just gotten out of the shower, hair soaking wet, towel wrapped around me. I had taken a pregnancy test before the shower, and after that discovered these 2 lines. I tremble. I stumbled down our dark hallway to our bedroom where Kendal was peacefully sleeping. I didn't want to wake him with this news, but there's 'nothing like the present.'

I said, " I think we're pregnant." He didn't believe me...

Everything scary flooded into my head regarding having another baby. We had just moved out of our "baby house," I sold all my maternity clothing and baby gear. What about my back? Oh, that means, no surgery. I am 20 lbs. heavier than I was when I got pregnant with my other kids. What are my friends and family going to think...I can't handle what I already have. What about my jewelry business? I was so anxious to move into this new home and set up my office and really buckle down with designing and selling. And what about the Sunday School class that talks about just this..."God don't you know what is best for me?" Am I really the one to facilitate this? Wave after wave of negative filled my head and heart.

Yet somewhere beneath it all, little truth's rang out...

..."God knows the desires of your heart."

..."He sold your house and is providing a new place that is perfect for the family that He is designing."... "He is sovereign." "He is my provider."

As I started to focus on the positive, His truths, and I remind myself that I know He is faithful. The rutter on my heart changed directions and propelled me into peace and joy for this new babe.

On Sunday I took another test because the others had been faint and I was waiting for that bold, strong test. It was a digital test, and it came up, "not pregnant." What? I figured it was because it wasn't as sensitive of a test and it was the middle of the day.

Monday, I took 2 more tests of different brands, both positive. Okay, I'm not crazy...but something doesn't seem right. Took the other digital test, "not pregnant." My heart sinks.

Tuesday, take the other 2 tests of those different brands again, positive, although the lines are more faint.

Tuesday, midnight, cramps, take the 3rd and final digital

test, "not pregnant," tears, heartache.

We lay in bed, and pray. Kendal's hand on my tummy, my hand on His. I lay out my heart and all the pain, I ask that if it would be His will and we would have a healthy baby to please allow for us to carry this child into many, many years. I see pictures and words of "angel & baby." I see 'her' with Jesus already, she was perfectly formed and teeny... I don't sleep all night.

...I thank God. "God, I thank you for allowing for us to get to meet one day. And as odd as this sounds, please tell her how much we love her and that we can't wait to meet her. How jealous I am that she gets to meet you first and how thankful I am that she will be waiting when I get there."

Wednesday morning, I take the 3rd and final test of the other brands, positive, but ever so faint.

Wednesday, mid morning, a drive to Kaiser Permanente in Salem, tears have streamed down my face all night and morning. It is a long, somber wait. I do the tests. We drive home.

In no time I receive the results, and baby is gone.

How quickly life has changed again. My snow-globe has been shaken, my heart broken and I feel like I need to run around gathering pieces of it, hoping it will get put back together in a timely manner.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I am ready for our lives to settle down, to stop aching, to be normal. I am tired of grief.

Even as I lay here, now, I have thoughts like, "He is using this for something bigger than I can see. I've said He could use me."

Settled, I will speak of all that can be Eucharisteo. My heart still aches and it will for some time, but eyes will be fixed on the 'something bigger.' For now the sting is strong, the evening is coming with nothing to distract from the pain. I have to be mindful to praising Jesus for all His great blessings, that shall carry me through.

Please be praying for me and us. Our boys don't know and we are still debating how to navigate that one.