Joyful January
Joy isn't typically what comes to mind when I think of January, unless you are referring to suppressed joy. I start to anticipate the January blues a few days before Christmas. I know the Holidays will go too fast and I will be left with a mish-mash of feelings, both gratitude for a wonderful holiday season, and sadness that it is all over. I don't even care for Spring all that much, so the thought of making it from December 31st to June 1st feels daunting.
The last few years I have tried to figure out why I feel so glum after December. I acknowledge that there is no difference in the way I feel when July 31st turns into August 1st, for example, so why does life seem to shift so much when the New Year rings in? Why can't I look at it as just another day without feeling like the previous year is so far in the past? It was just a day or two away, yet my brain computes it as eons ago.
This year feels particularly difficult when anticipating the darker months of Winter. This time last year, I was dealing with the unknown and the ache of wanting more children. Kendal and I were at odds with our future in the area of babies and I felt like my heart may never be healed. February 2nd of 2012, I experienced my 2nd miscarriage and grief was real and raw again. March 2012, along with extreme amazement in finding out we were expecting, came being sick, so sick. Having horrible morning sickness is bad enough, but lucky me, I got to experience withdrawals from morphine. It was horrible. I have flashbacks all the time. So, as I enter this season of winter in Oregon, I am also experiencing a lot of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm serious.
I can feel it in my bones, the icky feelings, the nightmares, the muscle twitches, the cold sweats, the nausea and it's effects, restless legs, chicken-like skin and the most horrible part is this weird sensation I had in my soul. I don't think I can explain the feeling, but you can't fix it with a hot bath or some medicine. It just sits there, dwelling in the space between the bottom of your rib cage, but above your stomach, in the center of your body. It's miserable. It's deep and it gives you the willies. This is what I think of when I remember these dark months. I told you, PTSD.
As I anticipate all these memories and feelings I know I need to change how I feel about these coming days. I don't want last Winter to taint all the coming Winters.
Enter "Joyful January".
This year is going to be different, so different. These next few months, starting today, I am going to be intentional about how I feel about Winter in Oregon. The days won't feel so gloomy if I...
I am going to compile a list of things that will feed my soul and keep me enjoying these short days.
Today, I have started in a new Gratitude Journal. I received it from our friend, Zach Buckmaster. In the back of this beautiful burlap covered journal, he has written a full page of encouragement. I've read it twice now since I received it just after Christmas and I will continue to read it all year long. Thank you Zack, for the kind words.
So, back to gratitude. I will be intentional about writing in it most days of the week. I have placed it in a wood bowl on the credenza in our entry. I'll see it everyday. I know that writing down His blessings will help me to keep perspective. When I acknowledge and am thankful for His grace (His gifts) it opens the door to joy. I am ready for it to swing wide open. When I recognize how small I am, and that the Lord has saved me just as I am and on top of that gives good gifts, my thankfulness flows and along comes joy.
That is one of the more meaningful things I will do and will probably be the most 'help'.
This month, I will keep my Christmasy lights on in the dining room. They are cozy and bright and cheery.
Today, I will grill chicken, outside. It's not raining so I am going to take advantage of it. The smell of the grill and the taste of that little bit of char will take me right back to July, when the sun sets late and dinner was served with fresh herbs and corn from the garden. In a small way, it will be a reminder that my skin will be hot from the sun again, unless the Lord comes before then.
2 times a week (at a minimum) I will get my heart pumpin'. Walking outside will be best for my soul, but I will settle for a workout DVD or a ride on the good 'ol elliptical.
I will get outside when it is sunny and work in the yard. I realize this will depend on my body cooperating. But if I can, I will.
I will enjoy my baby. On January 1st, I had my baby in my lap and was chatting with her as she cooed at me and my eyes filled with tears. Tears of gratitude for this good gift. This time last year my heart ached. I had no idea that a year from then I would be sitting in my living room with my precious daughter. Man, I just don't feel worthy of this blessing. Kendal would say, "you're right, you're not worthy"...and then he would go on to say something like this... That is why we need Jesus and He makes you Righteous... and so we get to experience amazing gifts from the Father. He would say it so much cooler and eloquently though ;)
Our Esther...an amazing gift.
I will invite friends over for dinner. Nothing like laughter and food to keep your heart toasty.
I will...
The list will continue another day. I will keep you posted as to what else I am doing to keep things positive during these winter months. Joy will be mine, again. It's all grace. January will now and forever more be named, "Joyful January".
The last few years I have tried to figure out why I feel so glum after December. I acknowledge that there is no difference in the way I feel when July 31st turns into August 1st, for example, so why does life seem to shift so much when the New Year rings in? Why can't I look at it as just another day without feeling like the previous year is so far in the past? It was just a day or two away, yet my brain computes it as eons ago.
This year feels particularly difficult when anticipating the darker months of Winter. This time last year, I was dealing with the unknown and the ache of wanting more children. Kendal and I were at odds with our future in the area of babies and I felt like my heart may never be healed. February 2nd of 2012, I experienced my 2nd miscarriage and grief was real and raw again. March 2012, along with extreme amazement in finding out we were expecting, came being sick, so sick. Having horrible morning sickness is bad enough, but lucky me, I got to experience withdrawals from morphine. It was horrible. I have flashbacks all the time. So, as I enter this season of winter in Oregon, I am also experiencing a lot of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm serious.
I can feel it in my bones, the icky feelings, the nightmares, the muscle twitches, the cold sweats, the nausea and it's effects, restless legs, chicken-like skin and the most horrible part is this weird sensation I had in my soul. I don't think I can explain the feeling, but you can't fix it with a hot bath or some medicine. It just sits there, dwelling in the space between the bottom of your rib cage, but above your stomach, in the center of your body. It's miserable. It's deep and it gives you the willies. This is what I think of when I remember these dark months. I told you, PTSD.
As I anticipate all these memories and feelings I know I need to change how I feel about these coming days. I don't want last Winter to taint all the coming Winters.
Enter "Joyful January".
This year is going to be different, so different. These next few months, starting today, I am going to be intentional about how I feel about Winter in Oregon. The days won't feel so gloomy if I...
I am going to compile a list of things that will feed my soul and keep me enjoying these short days.
Today, I have started in a new Gratitude Journal. I received it from our friend, Zach Buckmaster. In the back of this beautiful burlap covered journal, he has written a full page of encouragement. I've read it twice now since I received it just after Christmas and I will continue to read it all year long. Thank you Zack, for the kind words.
So, back to gratitude. I will be intentional about writing in it most days of the week. I have placed it in a wood bowl on the credenza in our entry. I'll see it everyday. I know that writing down His blessings will help me to keep perspective. When I acknowledge and am thankful for His grace (His gifts) it opens the door to joy. I am ready for it to swing wide open. When I recognize how small I am, and that the Lord has saved me just as I am and on top of that gives good gifts, my thankfulness flows and along comes joy.
That is one of the more meaningful things I will do and will probably be the most 'help'.
Today, I will grill chicken, outside. It's not raining so I am going to take advantage of it. The smell of the grill and the taste of that little bit of char will take me right back to July, when the sun sets late and dinner was served with fresh herbs and corn from the garden. In a small way, it will be a reminder that my skin will be hot from the sun again, unless the Lord comes before then.
2 times a week (at a minimum) I will get my heart pumpin'. Walking outside will be best for my soul, but I will settle for a workout DVD or a ride on the good 'ol elliptical.
I will get outside when it is sunny and work in the yard. I realize this will depend on my body cooperating. But if I can, I will.
I will enjoy my baby. On January 1st, I had my baby in my lap and was chatting with her as she cooed at me and my eyes filled with tears. Tears of gratitude for this good gift. This time last year my heart ached. I had no idea that a year from then I would be sitting in my living room with my precious daughter. Man, I just don't feel worthy of this blessing. Kendal would say, "you're right, you're not worthy"...and then he would go on to say something like this... That is why we need Jesus and He makes you Righteous... and so we get to experience amazing gifts from the Father. He would say it so much cooler and eloquently though ;)
Our Esther...an amazing gift.I will invite friends over for dinner. Nothing like laughter and food to keep your heart toasty.
I will...
The list will continue another day. I will keep you posted as to what else I am doing to keep things positive during these winter months. Joy will be mine, again. It's all grace. January will now and forever more be named, "Joyful January".
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