X-LIF
I saw Dr. Jenkin's on Thursday. He is an orthopedic surgeon at Sunnyside Kaiser. He has done my previous surgeries and if I opt to, my third.
I have been waiting with great anticipation for this appointment. I knew it would be a landmark in this journey. Everything hinged on this appointment. If he says I should have surgery, life turns one direction. If he says we have other options, we can go another.
I was directed to X-rays before the appointment to show my vertebras, range of motion and my fancy new scoliosis. Rrrr. Sure there are lots of girls with pretty curves, but come on, I'm curvy on the inside too;)
They told me to stay in my gown and go wait for the Dr. down the hall. Awesome. There is nothing like looking like you lived in Jesus days at the modern clinic. I had 2 robes on (frontwards and back) and my ropey sandals.
I studied the faces of the other patients in our waiting area, wondering what they "were in for." One gal had a very difficult time walking and had a whole pulley cart with clothing and papers and who knows what, she was definitely a veteran. Her husband was waiting patiently and let her know that her first procedure/appointment that she just came from had taken 45 minutes. Maybe he wasn't so patient afterall, the look she gave him was a smile that had some meaning behind it other than 'thank you for that information, dear." I am sure he was there for moral support and to pull her cart. She struggled to get up again once she had been sitting. Bless her heart.
The lady that sat across from us was a beautiful woman, in her late 60's I would say. She had white hair and a full, tastefully colored, face of makeup. Cute crop pants that showed the indents of her previously worn socks. I assume she made a last minute change from her sneakers and sweats into this cute number. She had a tender smile and I was drawn to her by her gentleness. I know she wondered what I was "in for." The look on my face and my nervous movements probably didn't help her pondering, oh and yea, I did have that " Technicolor Dream coat" on.
I was finally called back into the room, the nurse took my blood pressure and asked why I was returning. She told me to change out of those robes. "Oh, thank goodness, I didn't think he needed to see me in this."
As I waited a little more and my sweet husband, Kendal, sat across the room, I felt my new reality too close. My turning point was just moments away.
Dr. Jenkins walked into the room and we did our formal niceties. He looked over my X-rays and MRI. We talked about my different pains. I have everything from pressure and burning and aches to stiffness. I feel like if I could just stretch this or that out enough, it would ease the pain. If you were to observe me, you will see me stretching my ankle all the time. I have done it now for years and I know it still doesn't work, but the sensation to stretch it doesn't go away, so I keep trying.
Dr. Jenkins asked if he could take either my back pain away or my leg pain, which would it be. I told him that I have to get rid of the leg pain. Thats the stuff that makes me want to jump right out of my skin. The burning never ends, you can't find reprieve. It is horrible. I have pain from the middle of my back, down both sides of my waist, into my hips into the tops of my thighs, under my knees and down my calves, shins, then into my ankles and feet. Full relief seems unattainable. When I meet Jesus, I suppose.
He went on to tell me that my best option for lessening the pain was to have a fusion. It is called and X-LIF, Extreme Lateral Lumbar Interbody Fusion (or something like that). He explained the procedure and it went a little something like this.
He makes in incision on my left side about 2-3 inches long and would access my spine that way. He then will clean out my l4/l5 disc and open that space to it's correct spacing, insert a plate that the bone will eventually grow around. He then will put me on my stomach and make an incision in my back, put the rod and screws in and do some exploring and clean out the scar tissue from my previous surgery. Blech!
I'm terrified. I told him that I am terrified. I told him my fears and reservations. He said he understood and then he laid into me. In no uncertain terms, he said, "look at me, the outcome for this is going to depend on my outlook and attitude." He continued telling me that I am going to have to "buck up". He went on from there and made sure I understood how so much of this depends on me. He said, if I have a good outlook on this and he does his job well, we will have a great outcome. He also didn't sugar coat how badly it is going to hurt. But that I am a veteran and can handle it. That the first day will be the worst and then it will get better and better. I fear I can't have a good outlook on it.
As we walked toward the sliding doors to the clinic, I felt my body wanting to speed up and run out, look up to the sky and yell, "Jesus, Heal Me!!!!" Not a word was muttered as we walked to car. Reality bites.
I haven't slept well since hearing these words, I am so scared. What if it doesn't work and my pain gets worse?...not to mention all the other fears that go along with having surgery. Plus what about the future of raising 4 Very active boys and my body declines?
As of today, I can't say yes to it. My fears are winning. Plus, one of my biggest fears in this is that I will feel the rod and screws daily. I have a terrible sensitivity to anything touching my back and especially my spine, and if I can always feel that, I'm done for.
So, this is where I am at, I'm terrified, I feel stuck, I don't have my home to recover in. Who will watch the kids for the 2 or so months after, how will my husband fare with all of this, again? How will the kids manage with mom laid up one more time? This sucks!
I know we can get through this as a family, I just don't want to. I have been a burden for so long and here we go again.
Please pray for bravery, please pray for peace, please pray for wisdom, please pray for a miracle. Did I mention I'm scared?...
...To be continued...
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