Lent

Lent started today. I never observed or really even heard the word Lent growing up. Not to blame my parents of course, we were Baptist after all. But for the last handful of years, I have tried to observe it. Some in part to rely on Jesus to fill this void that was left from whatever tacky habit I had in place. Mostly though, for the sake of discipline and to jump on the bandwagon. Feeling somewhat that I could be just as "spiritual" as the next person for signing up for this Eastery season tradition, and even better about myself if I really did make it all the way to the end.

In all honesty, I had all but forgotten about Lent until a few days ago. Again, I blame the baptists.

Once I began to make my mental list of all the things I wanted to give up, it felt that none sufficed. Until last night, as my head was swarmed again with paralyzing anxiety and fear.

I laid in bed watching Cirque Du Soleil and was in awe of the amazing performance by the acrobats. I watched a scene of a ship was being tossed around in the waves and as it sank one woman climbed to the top of the Mast of the ship while the others went under. She was terrified. The next seen was a very impressive, poetic swim under the ocean with this same woman, looking for her fellow boaters. I then put myself in her shoes and found myself panic stricken. I had gone from enjoying this breathtaking performance to laying in bed, heart racing, cheeks flushed, letting my mind get the better of me. I had let my mind wander to a place of thinking if, 'I had to swim underwater to find and save my children'.

This is my practice almost every night, fearing that I won't be able to save my children in one scenario or another. I get out of bed, go to my medicine cabinet and take my mild (sometimes I wish it were stronger) anti-anxiety medication.

As absurd as it sounds, it is very much a part of my life, daily.

I don't spend the night near the ocean for fear there would be an earthquake and I wouldn't be able to save my kids from a tsunami. I let anxiety and fear creep in when I put myself in scenarios I have just heard about on the news. I let my mind wonder if there may be a carbon monoxide leak in my house which puts me in a state of panic. I fear someone will take my child from school, that we will be in a car accident and I lose my kids, that we get hit by a truck while driving over a bridge and we fall into the water and I can't get my kids out of their carseats...and on and on and on...

Yes, these things can happen, but to stop living life or having so much anxiety that I don't enjoy life to the fullest, shame on me. To allow fear to rule me instead of leaning into Jesus, is not okay.

I recognize and have recognized that I am putting my faith in the wrong thing. I am not trusting that Jesus will carry me through each situation as large or small as it comes. I am allowing fear, which is not of God, to take over my heart and mind. If it is not of God, who is it from? Exactly.

This year, for Lent, and hopefully beyond, I will be giving up FEAR!

I will put my hope, my trust, my heart and mind in Jesus. When fear creeps in, I will turn to Jesus and not, my medicine cabinet.

( Though, I may try to fear french fries, that would be a very good and "healthy" fear:)).