Counseling=Good

I need some tea before I start...

...fingers stretch, tea next to me on a make-shift end table (upside down laundry basket), in my favorite lounge chair with my back massager on full blast...I can start now.

But what do I say, it has been so long, so much has taken place, as it has with all of us.

I know, I'll talk about counseling.

We "graduated" at the beginning of December. A full 17 months of hard work. There was no certificate given, no grand walk across a stage, no crowd to cheer us on to whatever is next. We did get big hugs from our counselor and he told us how proud he was of us...that is all I needed. I felt a bit like a child that was given a huge compliment. I felt bashful and a little rose cheeked...but proud, so proud of ourselves.

2 years ago there were days I could hardly lift my head because of broken relationships, anxiety, fear, sadness, overwhelmed with my children and business (not a ton has changed there ;) and weariness of all my health issues. And now I am saying goodbye (for now) to a man that walked so closely to us, encouraged us, taught us, carried us, told the truth to us. I walk out with a touch of fear because now I am on my own, to figure it out myself. But now, I have the tools, I can do it, I have been doing it, I am proud and stronger because of counseling.

The logistics of it was that we drove up to Portland every Monday while Lucas was in school and we had the others watched by a wonderful family, the Haugans. Then all through Summer, all the kids went to be babysat while we did our time driving I-5 and sitting in an office for 2 hours. It was a commitment that was so well worth it and if I had to, I would do it all over again.

Our time with Paul was usually emotionally driven conversation. So many tears and obvious emotion in my whole body, even to the point where Paul, our counselor, would have me stand up and push my hands against his because the anger or hurt or frustration or sadness was so strong it had to come out of me. I had no idea how much was/is inside of me.

We spent weeks talking about loss and disappointment. We had to finally get in touch with reality and not what life should be like. I had to learn to stop living my life by "Shoulds." My reality is, there are a lot of things I can't do and I need to accomodate for those. My old self would say, I 'should' be able to do them...I should be able to clean the whole house in one day. I should be able to commit to this or that, I should be able to go jogging, and on and on. My reality is, I can't jog for fear that my back will get worse, not to mention it hurts. My reality is, if I commit to this or that I have to recognize that I may have to back out due to children or pain and not carry the guilt of it. My reality is I can't clean my whole house in one day... I have children that come behind me and mess it up and my body just doesn't work like it used to.

With loss comes grief, I grieved. I learned how to grieve. It is hard, sad, draining work, but I didn't just overlook it, I "sat" in the grief and dealt with it head on. I ached, I ached a lot. And my children ache over things to and we know how to counsel them through it and we 'sit' with them while they face hurt and loss and grief. Thankful to be able to pass on this learned way of grieving, a valuable skill.

We spent hours going through why I panic or have anxiety. I used to panic when Kendal would leave for meetings or for his 3 day schooling. It took a lot of practice, but I don't panic anymore and I don't have anxiety like I used to. I so wish I would have been able to deal with this before Kendal went through school so that that time would have been better for him.

We spent long sessions talking about shame and guilt and how to acknowledge it, talk about it, let it go, forgive myself.

We spent weeks talking about my ache for another baby. My heart desires a 5th, a girl would be nice, but the reality is that my body probably shouldn't go through another pregnancy, or that it is difficult with 4, why would we add a 5th? I am contemplating grief, but still have not landed on what our future holds.

We were given assignments weekly. Reading certain books, writing down all kinds of observations, saying 'no' to a long list of things. Some we accomplished, some were left by the wayside. The goal was to put into practice what we are learning. To figure some things out for ourselves.

The tension in the car to and from were sometimes unbearable. I could feel my body being so tense and would have thoughts of just wanting to jump out of the car. Thinking this "thing" can't be fixed. Life felt so so heavy and then we would step into Paul's office and more times then not we could walk out of there emotionally drained but, better.

There were days I would email Paul in a tizzy wondering how to get through whatever turmoil came up. He would write back and give wise counsel and coach me and Kendal through difficult situations. To know someone cared and was willing to help carry our burdens was nothing but comforting.

Practically, he had us pull together a strong group of couples to help carry our burdens and meet our physical needs too. They encouraged us, prayed for us, and just loved on us, unconditionally. We call it our "Care Team" and we love them dearly. We are coming to an end of needing them in the same way we used to, and although the job title goes away, we have a great relationship that will carry on. We feel supported and loved.

We learned how to "do life differently." Relationships are now different, they are changing into more open, vulnerable, comfortable relationships. We are truth tellers, we appreciate more the relationship with those that are also truth tellers. We trust more, we see Grace differently than we used to.

I am a fairly typical girl, living, what I assume, is a fairly typical life and I needed counseling. I am not ashamed, I am not embarrassed. I am so proud that we took the steps we needed to start to become whole again. Our marriage is incredibly strong...stronger than it ever has been. It feels so different. We respond differently to each other, naturally different, not for forced different. We did the hard work to get here, and it was so worth it.

I knew I needed to talk with someone for years. I needed to get all my thoughts out there and have someone else rearrange them. I needed to see my life through someone else's eyes. I had jumbled how I see the world and how the world see's me. I was told I had "wrong thinking." My perception was/is skewed and in some cases, severely way off. I still struggle. If I speak my truth, for example, my true thought, is if someone wants to spend time with me, "they are just being nice, they couldn't possibly really want to hang out with me." This is stuck in the core of who I am. Obviously it can't just stay at the core. So my outworking of this "people are just being nice to me" is, I can tend to hold you at a bit of a distance because I think you are being nice and not really wanting to know who I am or be a friend. Twisted isn't it? I think, why would you want to be close with me if I am overweight, because you could think that being overweight means that I lack in self-control. Or that I am lazy. Who wants a friend with no self-control or that is lazy? Whacked huh?

...But I am working on it. Truly. I say yes to more people now, because I know that my thinking is wrong. I have had to retrain my brain to know that I am accepted, as I am. I have had to preach the Gospel to myself over and over and over again.

So thankful, so thankful for counseling. So thankful for Paul Elmore and the wisdom that he has and gives. The insight and intuition he is gifted with. The truth that he tells and the love that he shares. My life is different because of counseling.

If you have ever thought of going to see a counselor, with all my heart, please go. I would go into debt to go, I would cancel whatever is on the calendar to go, it is THAT important.

Phew, that was a long one, I rambled, but I got it out, most of it. I know I could go on. If you ever have any questions about counseling, whether general or specific, don't hesitate to ask. It is healthy and you will feel so strong by saying yes to Counseling.

Here is a link to our counselor: Paul Elmore

Be well.