Like A Thief

Grief came like a thief in the night, last night. Kind of came out of no where. It was one thing that lead to another that brought me to the point of sobbing. It was after 2:30 a.m. before I calmed down enough to go to sleep.

It was almost exactly one year ago today that I had to come to the realization that the Fitchett's were complete and it was time to start the process of making it real and coming to acceptance of it. By July/August of last year, I was basically there. It was still sad, but it would probably always be sad. But I had accepted. Then my world flipped upside down when I found out I was pregnant in September...and then miscarried. My emotions haven't been the same since. And now, here I am, having to do it all over again, all that work I did last year with getting to a place of acceptance. I am right back where I started and the task is daunting. I don't want to do it again, I just want my heart to heal, quickly, gently.

I'm no crazy baby lady that wants to do whatever it takes to have another baby. I won't steal yours, I won't go stand in the baby aisle at Target and wail. I just hurt because it probably won't happen again, that exciting moment that you see the 2 little pink lines. That moment you feel the first kick. The crazy excitement and fear when you are about to deliver and the overwhelming adrenaline and love that happens at the moment the last push happens and sweet babe is laid on your chest. I have to face that I probably will never nurse in the middle of the night, take naps at 9 a.m. with a 4 week old because we were up at 3 a.m. "talking". I will miss the tiny baby ankles that seem like they may never hold a sock up. What about those first funny faces they take as mushed peas are spit across the kitchen.

Yes, these are what I grieve.

Kendal and I had a spiritual moment today, nothing like we have ever experienced before. God gave us the same words at the same time. We think that closure is on our horizon, it won't be easy, but know that the Lord has our best interest and will care for our hearts. If you think of us, you can be praying that closure and healing and peace are in our near future.

We have been praying that this year would be a year of peace and I sure hope it starts now.