i am free.

As I got around this morning and did my routine of emails and such, I receive a handful of 'out of the blue' emails, and then some texts pop up, one is silly and reminds me that there is life and fun outside the walls of my home where I fight pain. My friend had sent me a text of a drawing she did to give an example for her students. It is her and I playing tetherball. I can tell which is me because of the bangs and I think we both had a chuckle with her drawing of herself in which she looks a little upset with eyes that are clearly not hers. I digress.

As I was saying, I have been asking God for confirmation for surgery, I have been praying for peace and joy. Here come emails and text. One wants to encourage and bring a meal, or really do anything, I agreed on a meal (this was a hard step for me).

I receive an email from a dear friend that I put on a bit of a pedestal because she is just so wonderful, gentle, wise. She lives thousands of miles away from me and we can pick up where we left when are face to face. I just love her. She sends a note of encouragement, that I, weak, downhearted, in pain Lindsay, pointed her, strong, wise, beautiful, to Jesus. That I could be an example that Jesus is real. This seems so twisted.

I get an email from my dear friend whom I consider an adopted mother and grandmother to my boys, and she tells me how much she loves me and considers us family. She affirms our relationship and I feel safe.

I hear from a friend in Canada. I know her through my husband. She has also suffered a great loss and deals with pain and has dealt with cancer. She lifts me up in prayer and reminds me of it. I feel thankful.

I receive a note from a cousin, that I don't know well, but love, we are family. She shares that God has placed me on her heart and that she prays. Another encouragement, that I am worth something and I am remembered. Even when I feel alone, I am thought of.

I get another email from Dr. Jenkins, my surgeon. He typically only gets back to me 2 weeks after I email him. It is less than 24 hours and he is telling me the information that I asked for and that I can call to schedule. Yikes! I feel this cold sweat and my blood pressure start to rise. I am terrified. I can't bring myself to emailing back. I know I have to lose weight and that in and of itself is a very large and daunting task.

A couple days ago, out of the blue, I receive yet another email. It is a gal I went to youth group with. She has experienced great loss. And God spoke to her, in the night, gently. His message was for her...and for me. "let it go. Stop trying so hard." It was gentle and freeing, she says. More words from Jesus and I don't know where to place them. What is it for. I felt like I have stopped trying. I have visited with a friend on the floor of my sons' dirty room, with dirty scooby-doos laying in front of her...and by scooby-doos, I think you know what I mean. I have walked another friend through my home when it was at about it's worst. I have slowed down on both businesses because I just don't have the umph to take care of it. I don't think I am faking-it anywhere in my life. I am vulnerable and open, and willing to share. I don't know what it is that I am holding onto that my heavenly Father has to tell me to let it go. I don't think it has to do with anything with the baby stuff because for one we aren't 'trying' and my heart is slowly grieving and letting go. So confusing.

Again I ramble. But I just want to share that I am trying to get it that I am NOT alone. I am not being forgotten. I am being encouraged and remembered. I am being brought before the Lord by people across the world. He has heard our cries, and we have to wait. I may wait until Heaven, unfortunately for me. But it does make me long for Him. And maybe that is the lesson...who knows.

I thank you for praying for me and us. I am so blessed by a church family that cares and gives, by those far away that kneel before the Lord on my behalf and for those that encourage with words.

Be well....I'm working on it.