Empty Shoes

Where do I start...

A few "posts" ago I had shared with you, that in a few weeks, we would have closure.

"Kendal and I had a spiritual moment today, nothing like we have ever experienced before. God gave us the same words at the same time. We think that closure is on our horizon, it won't be easy, but know that the Lord has our best interest and will care for our hearts. If you think of us, you can be praying that closure and healing and peace are in our near future."

Up until Monday, I thought it was over, no more babies, tests were all negative and even though I had been extra sluggish, falling asleep at 8:15 on the sofa, and definitely having morning sickness, all tests came back, negative.

I cried a lot a lot a lot on Sunday afternoon. Facing my future of no more babies, especially a daughter, it hurts, it hurts deep.

Monday, Kendal was off to work and I was exhausted. I literally sat on the couch all morning. I was still sad over the fact that I needed to let go of the baby dream and start to move on. It came to me, like a wave washing over me. "If I was to find out I was expecting, I would say 'alright, this must be what the Lord wants and I will trust him with my physical pain and the logistics of it all.'" And here I sit, upset with God. He answered didn't he? And I can't trust Him with this answer, only a yes answer? So, in that moment, I was able to recognize and acknowledge that even in the midst of a "no," I needed to "trust Him with my emotional pain and the logistics of it all." I sat down, frustrated with myself that I had let this fact go unnoticed.

A little while passed by and I took yet another PT and it was positive, quickly positive. No waiting around, no 'is it there?', 2 pink lines! My heart fluttered, and then fell into my stomach. Joy & Fear at the same time. So much I would have to give up being pregnant again, first and foremost, the medication that helps me move through my day. How will I manage? Then, I remembered what God had brought to my attention, "He will help me with the pain and the logistics." I wondered if He was waiting for me to "get it" into my brain that I can trust Him with whatever answer.

I had been cramping since Monday morning, but nothing ever came of it. I took a few more tests over the next couple of days, and the lines were faint...uh oh, I've been here before.

I went to have some blood work done on Wednesday. It came back negative. The numbers were high enough to show that "something" was going on, but not high enough to result in a positive test. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

This very morning, another positive home pregnancy test,...then loss. Yep, loss, another one, lost. 2 babes in 5 months, gone.

I am not feeling it, "closure." Tonight, I grieve again, and I grieve hard. I have sobbed, I have gone limp into my husbands arms, I have wiped my nose on an old tee shirt and I have been in my sweats most of the day. I am in bed now and have been for hours.

I am so confused as to how God works. What is His purpose in this? Why, a year ago, I start the grieving of a dream of more children, Summer of last year, come to acceptance of it. September, pregnancy, followed shortly by miscarriage. Ups and downs, figuring out God's will for the past 5 months. We both hear from the Lord the same thing at the same time, we are obedient, we get pregnant and now have lost another. Shit!

This is painful stuff and I am so confused. He gives and takes away, blessed be His name...I am trying, I am trying to praise, but it is so hard.

What now? Do we literally have a ceremony for just Kendal and I and we bury the dream? Do we bury empty shoes, naming them Esther, our Esther? Is that what will help heal and help me let go? Do we continue to trust God with conception or is this His final answer? Is there something wrong with my body and this is how we will find out? Did I hurt the baby with what I put into my body? Would I not be a good Mom to a little girl? Can I not handle another child? Who knows, I could question until I turn blue in the face. We may never know. I know I just need to praise Him. Hoping I can easily with all my heart very soon.

Would appreciate prayer.