How Much More?

I have been saying this for months and months, probably over a year, "How much more can we take?" Seems today another thing, or two, was added.

The past few days I have been having a little bit of pain in my left side. As in, the left side of my spine, the pain was manageable and I assumed it was just something that I tweaked and it would go away. I have been faithful in icing my back and doing my regular yoga stretches as well as my physical therapy exercises.

Yesterday morning that dreaded early morning knock was heavy on our bedroom door. I was so out of it and couldn't figure out who could be at our door at this hour. (Sometimes I am a little weirded out by how my brain works). Anyways, when I finally came to, I heard my eldest saying his tummy was hurting. I've seen that face before and that way he holds his stomach...vomit is eminent. His pathetic eyes looking at me for comfort and his mismatched jammies reminded me that, he indeed is going to need help through this.

I was in great pain, as most mornings and just to get out of bed is an embarrassing process. Thankfully, Kendal was up far before I and I assessed the situation and went and laid back down to get my barrings and listen for the inevitable. While laying there, I can hear Abram moaning. "Oh Dear! Is this seriously what is going to take place today, on our day off?!" He turned out to be okay. But, they do ALL have coughs. Bad, unrelenting coughs. Annoying, nagging coughs. The kind that you say, "seriously? you have to cough constantly?"

I fell asleep twice on the couch. Once while icing my back, the other while watching a movie with Kendal. What the heck is wrong with me? I assume it is because of our restless nights hearing and checking on coughing children. And fighting pain seems to be a full time job. It takes a lot of energy.

As we went to bed,the day felt successful in one way because no one puked but was so depressing because I was still in so much pain and have been praying to be healed. I cry almost every night at bedtime because I feel so hopeless. I fight depression with everything I have.

So, this morning as I woke up, I could feel my body hurting just the same as my right side, and even more so because it was fresh, raw, new pain. Yep, this is the feeling of another herniated disc. Well, probably a damaged disc already, just came out on the left side. I cried first thing this morning, while lying in bed, my feet hadn't even touched the floor and more bad news was just handed to me.

I reluctantly get out of bed and head downstairs where I see my little sickie, Lucas on the couch. All his blankets and couch coverings have been taken down from yesterday and he said he was feeling better. His fever was down to 99.1 when I check it, so that was a great sign. He sat on one end of the sofa and I on the other. I was doing my morning facebook and email routine and he was coughing...and then he vomited! Oh Yuck! I am not good with vomit. Yet, as every good mother does, I talk sweetly with gag reflex mostly in control. I tell him he is okay, while I cringe and want to say, "you're on your own kid." While I have one hand on his back and a little splat of puke on my fingers, I reach my hand into my back pocket (which it is never there, at home anyways) and text Kendal. Fully knowing I will have to fully sanitize my phone. I text, "Lucas puked! Come Home!"

I got Lucas to the bathroom and into the tub. I got a majority of dirty things out of the way and threw some paper towel over the most soaked spots and my gag reflex almost becomes out of control. Don't worry, nothing happened. Ugh, I hate vomit!

Then, after his bath he lays on the couch, now fully armed for any flying debris. Kendal and I visit about how to work the week with my new pain and an obviously sick kid and 3 others with bad coughs and runny noses. Again, I cry. Lucas then starts to double over in pain. Points to his lower left side, almost behind his hip bone. This is no longer just a stomach bug. We quickly assess the situation. Wonder if we should take him to the E.R. or make an appointment. I call the advise nurse and make an appointment for the same afternoon. He then went poo about an hour later and can now cancel the appointment...oh geez.

I hate that this is how life is, one thing after another. Does it ever let up? How much more can we take?

I calm down, and I bake. That's what I do. Kendal goes back to work and I work on my dresser that has warped and now probably can't be sold, we'll see. Anyways, that is besides the point.

I had a 3:15 appointment with my physiotherapist. I cried the. whole. time. We landed on taking a prednisone for 6 days ( I don't want to, but she thinks it will calm my new left side pain) and she is going to have me referred to a psychologist. She thinks it would be good for me to just vent to someone about my pain and try to work on some relaxation techniques.

All day I have been feeling this new pain and have pushed myself to contact my surgeon and start talking about making a surgery date. I am terrified and have A Lot of things to work on. Like losing 20-30 lbs. Getting strong mentally, physically and emotionally.

Today I feel so weak and I'm disappointed that this is life and how much more can I bear? I do know that He won't give us more than we can't handle, but I know He does allow more than we think we can handle and we just have to be good children and ask Him for help.

I covet your prayers as I try and shape up mentally, physically, emotionally. This blog entry was a little rambly and all over the place, a little how I am, I suppose.