Weeks Gone By

The ups and downs of life do not fall on us easily. This past 18 months have been difficult enough in and of themselves, and just as I think things are starting to brighten in one area, a whole crop of new issues come up in others.

The past few weeks as I try and make my business successful, it kind of happens, briefly anyway. I received a very larger wedding order, I had the opportunity to turn a Press Packet in to Nordstrom for my Thumbprint necklaces and I had a jewelry party, all due on Monday the 23rd. I am happy to say, they were all accomplished, to the best of my ability. For this I am thankful. This excitement is all under the shadow of some very difficult relational issues and the sad down spiral of my new kitten, Lord Stanley. Plus, on top of this, I am just feeling done with the day-in-day-out life of stay at home parenting. 7 years of wiping bums and putting out squabbles has about done me in. Conversation of "what will I do" has wrenched my heart as I feel like I am in some ways abandoning my children. Which I recognize is not the case, but I committed to doing this and now if feels as if I am going back on my word.

This felt like enough of ups and downs, but I can't properly share this with you without telling about the foundation which this all stands on. These little "issues" can sound petty, simple or passing, but they are built on a wobbly foundation.

The ups and downs of these weeks rests on the shoulders of a very weak girl. I am emotionally torn up over said relational issues that have sucked us dry, beat us up, slandered and blamed. I wake every morning with physical pain that has me wondering how I can possibly make it to the end of the day. The challenges of my strong-willed child and another that doesn't do well off his special diet have me questioning if I chose the right thing by having children. And my poor self-esteem presents itself in fear over what business decision to make. These are no longer simple, easily resolved issues. They carry a weight to them that I can no longer stand under.

I am angry. You can't just forgive without being heard (yes, I recognize the Biblical side). You can't just suck it up one more day because you have endless amounts of hope. You can't just talk calmly to children that, for the 17th time in a row, hit his little brother. You can't just will yourself to be proud of your successes.

I am lost. I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for pain free days. I am at a loss at how to parent. I am at a loss at what decision I make for my kitten that I am so attached to. I am at a loss if I should put more time and energy into my business that fills my cup, feeds my soul. I am at a loss to know how to say things to people that have hurt me.

I have to come to the conclusion, even as I sit here, almost willing myself to type these words...that Jesus is not lost, He did not lead me astray. He has a plan for me with my physical pain, maybe so I can understand others in physical pain and provide comfort. He is allowing grief in the form of a sweet kitten and never conceived daughter, maybe so I don't have to grieve my own child and still have the capacity to understand grief. Maybe I am walking through this relational hurt not because of them, but for me and my husband. That things were brought out of us through it so we can deal with our own junk and help others who can identify. Maybe I am frustrated with my kids so that I will decide to put more energy into my business that will one day fund a ministry that wouldn't otherwise happen.

That last part can sound flowery, but if I don't look at it this way, I will hang my head down so low that it will be next to impossible to lift myself up. I have to trust that Jesus' ways are better than mine, even as bad as it hurts. I have to trust that He is at the reigns guiding this whole show. He thinks I am pretty awesome even as I sit here with swollen, sad eyes. I am okay with Him even though some may think I am not interested in being involved in what they think I should be involved in. I am okay with Him even if I use swear words to describe my pain. And, I am okay with Him, even if, I stink at this life. He is on the throne and I am His daughter. I am righteous, and blameless. I am still loved, even through the Ups and Downs.